|
January 2nd, 2008
08:36 pm - There appears to be very little to say
But I'll give it a go anyway.
Christmas was the same as it always is. And I'm left very washed out and colourblind, so I;m retreating back to the internet. To be honest, I'm so totally glad I came back. Haha. I even appear to have started writing again.
For a while it looked liek I was going to devote myself to chemistry full time. And that's just too gruesome. Worse than it being Thursday. (I'm fully aware that it's Wednesday, just be content in knowing you didn't get the reference).
Reading Special Topics in Calamity Physics again. It's like a drug that book. I think I might have to go back and read Sputnik Sweetheart and Norwegian Wood again. Usually whenever anyone says that's their favourite Beatles song I spew the plot of the book all over their new patent boots. And get the faraway Irish, "Go 'way" which translates as "She's talking again."
My hand feels weird. Like two of the bones tried to cross over each other or something.
In other news: Got the laptop. And am possibly gonna get some work done before September. POSSIBLY
Am now the proud owner of a digital camera. Which means that Will thinks its his duty to take it off me and take all the pictures at Friday's party himself. God forbid a 'not boy' would be able to do it.
Am seven. Keep giving out to Will (see above) and getting into humours. Tis peculiar. Well...it's me after all.
Um. Have admitted I'm crazy and am now 'talking to someone'. A professional no less. But not the kind of professional that wears blinding white loafers with their seal slick shiny black suit. So it's not as interesting as it sounds.
I dunno. I'm just in pissy humour. For the last six months.
Maybe I should bake some muffins...
|
July 17th, 2007
01:22 pm - So I says to Mabel I says
That guy's a bum!
My nerdiness is in danger of actually swallowing me, creating some sort of unbelievably powerful uber-nerd. I should get a pocket protector. Then some shirts with pockets in them.
In college. Again. Not working (as you may or may not have gathered) and that's about the height of it. Put on a couple of reactions this morning. There's a possibility that they may have worked. But probably not. Oh well...
Oh yeah, I won €500 in a raffle thing over the weekend. Which was nice, hahaha. Means the loan I need for my laptop shall be significantly reduced, huzzah! I think I might take a morning off and go to the bank this week sometime. No time like the present y'know! Plus I get a morning off and all that stuff. The only thing is I'll have to go home. I think all that stuff (that I probably made up) with Mammy is over with. Rang home and she sounded really pissed off, but I asked my sister was there anything said about me and she said there wasnt so it's not bad and/or circumstantial. I dunno. I guess it doesn't matter. I was told explicitly on the holiday that I am not to address any problems of an emotional nature unless there's a deathbed involved. And even then it's not 100% decided if that's an okay time. It just sucks. You're supposed to have someone experienced in life that you can talk to about important stuff. Doesn't necessarily have to be a parent or anything. But I don't have it. I have some decent friends though. I guess I shouldn't complain. It's not like I'm completely alone or anything. I dunno. This just doesn't really get any easier.
Current Location: Good ol' DCU
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Fast Car-Tracy Chapman (we have the radio today WOO!)
|
July 12th, 2007
08:45 am - So...anyway
Yeah...I'm wrecked. Back in the zone as far as college is concerned...I think. I need a laptop desperately. it's just not cool to hog up these ones all the time. And I might start writing up some of my work (or y'know play doom, whatever's good.)
Just, blargh. I could go on and on about how I have no idea what I'm doing and this is all just so unbelievably surreal but I'd just be wasting my time and yours. It's just all crazy that it's nearly a year since I started back in DCU. Technically, I really shoudl know something. And it really seriously bothers me that I'm working on the same 3 fucking reactions I was working on when I started. Yeah. Stupid. I dunno. Everything is just so...i dunno. Going around in circles makes me all dizzy and stuff. But I guess I'll be okay. I have to be don't I?
|
July 4th, 2007
02:45 pm - Yeah...
Tired. Went on holiday with the mama and sarah. Twas fun but exhausting (stupid, one knows).
HAve come to the conclusion that Mammy doesn't like me very much. Which I can deal with I guess. Got kinda depressed about it when we were away and got called selfish and nonsesical. Which was nice...
Yeah, just...blargh. I'm just tired. Tired of getting up every morning to a world that doesn't really care. I'm aware of how melodramatic this sounds bt I don't really mean it like that, it's just kinda super-apathy.
The chemistry isn't great either, just can't seem to see the point in anything other than staying in bed.
Just kinda tired of ppl thinking I'm strange/psychotic/invisible. Or maybe its just the invisible thing. No one really thinks anything of me anymore I guess.
Dob came in there, goshdernit I love that gal. She understands me at least.
Oh yeah! Me, Debbie, Al and Will are goin to see Bill Bailey in nov! Haha, t'will be class! "I drove my tractor through your haystack last night, ooh ar ooh ar" haha
HAhahahahaha!! Gotta love that man
Current Location: College Yet again
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: Nowt
|
May 23rd, 2007
08:46 am - Okay, this is bad
How long? Before Christmas? Yeah that's about it. So right, start from the start I guess.
Me and Conor broke up. (tentative applause). No no it's a good thing, it was me and everything. Went crazy in December and had to get out of there. So I did. I moved out. (Living with someone else's family is NOT a good place to be) Got my own place (with a slight detour with AM, we'll talk about that later) and haven't seen him since. He was upset and all, got a few wild phone calls but now he seems to have accepted it.
"But Laura, why didn't you do this before?" Well I had a little incentive didn't I? Yeah yeah, so I fell for Will. I know I said I wouldn't but he's so brilliant. SO me and himself are together now and I'm ridiculously happy. It's been the first timein ages that I've been with someone without feeling liek I owe them anything. I was with Conor because he helped me after the second year debaucle. And I didn't love him at all at the end. Couldn't do the physical thing at all. The more I think about that stuff the harder it gets to think about being with him at all. i was so unhappy. Crazy.
Will is fantastic. Head over heels in love. And I know it sounds like I'm getting obver one guy getting under another, but I was so out of love with Conor when it ended that I felt totally ready when will came. It's great. It really is, I could talk about him all day. But I won't. Because that's really annoying.
Chemistry is now my sworn enemy. Had a major freak out yesterday about how I'm never gonna be able to finish this thing and that I can't quit because everyone will be devastated/delighted depending on if they like me or not. So I'll hang on. But I seriously doubt my ability. I dunno. But there you go.
Oh yeah, and AM isn't my friend anymore because she kinda tried to take over my life when me and conor broke up (I think she thought I'd be much more vunrable than I was) and kinda tried to make out that I was upsetting her with my behaviour (I don't think she liked that I ws going out with someone new, she told me I should take at least a year to get over Conor. At least.) SO we don't really talk anymore.
But at least now I'm all in control of my life and everything. For some reason that equates (for me) into me being able to eat what I want for my dinner. I don'y know why that's a big deal. But it is.
Yeah, your guess is as good as mine.
Current Location: God aul college
Current Mood: geeky
|
November 9th, 2006
10:38 pm - Wow
How long has it been (too long) thatnk you studio audience.
Been to Germany, learned about Chemistry and am quite happy in the lab. Hurrah for college.
Made a new best friend. Will from Enniscorthy (Wexford, far from Dublin. Well, 2 hours or so away. But still) Very sweet. Have had a few deep and meaningfuls. Doesn't help that everyone thinks I'm cheating on Conor with him but there you go. I suppose when you're a slut for as long as I've been you deserve for people to jump to conclusions about you.Anyway, very pleased to have someone new to talk to. He's a nice guy. Scarily so.
|
September 22nd, 2006
02:32 pm - What does it mean when you look at the coat rack and see Rita Hayworth?
Because I swear that's what just happened. LIke Rita Hayworth would be caught dead in my shitty lab. Reactions seem to be going well. Have made one complex that I was supposed to make and two reference ones to figure out what the hell it was I made the first time. It's interesting. In a really not interesting way that is.
I started reading 'Mirror Mirror' by Gregory Maguire. I really enjoyed 'Wicked', it was a really fresh take on the fairytale side of things, and he's got a really nice eye for detail. It's even more apparant in this book. In some places it's really really gorgeous. I approve, haha.
Finished 'Watermelon' aswell. Classic. I heart Marian Keyes. Stuff is good. For the most part. I keep going home, trying to pick a fight with Conor and crying, all in the space of about 20 minutes. It's bizarre. I'm fine after it and I'm fine in college. I just don't really get it is all. Strange. Very very strange.
Going to towm with the Mama tomorrow, which should be good fun. We had a really nice time the last day we had a day out together, so hopefully this'l be something similar. Wanna see about maybe getting a dress for this grad ball thing. Will be interesting.
Looks like both Emma and Debbie are coming back to do PhDs too. Don't know how I feel about that. What with Debbie completely ignoring me and then pretending like we're bestest buds out of nowhere, it's a little tough to imagine working near her again. I'll just have to see I guess. I'm not able for this bullshit. I wish people could just be straightforward. But that would be asking far too much naturally.
Oh and I'm going to Germany. Han's sending me and Lynda to some lab over there to learn stuff. I can learn. Particularly when someone offers to pay for me to do it in a different country for 2 weeks. Which is nice.
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Clicking of lab equipment
|
September 4th, 2006
12:21 pm - Sup
So I guess i should add my name to the enormous list of people successfully back at college. As per usual, I haven't got the faintest idea what's going on. It doesn't help that there's nowhere I have to be, not really. I'll start work in the lab as soon as Han tells me exactly what it is he wants me to do. in the meantime I'm gonna spend most of my ime in the library trying desperately to remember what synthesis entails exactly. (I can't, just in case you were wondering...) So lots of books are being taken out, and man am I good at pretending to read them.
I met up with Wissia last night, which was nice. She was all Italian and stuff and we talked about books and how she wants to go back to college and then I told her that she should because she'll do what I probably should have done, but there you go. I gave her a couple of books, because she told me she' never really read anything inherantly Irish, so I had to fix that one. haha, so I hooked her up with 'angelas ashes' and 'the snapper'. I don't know what it is, but Irish modern fiction is the only type that I read that doesn't seem the same to all the others. There's this blatant Irish brand singed across every single line of dialogue thatmakes you swell with pride, break in half cringining and get sick laughing all at the same time. it's weird. Weird that I like it because I hate being Irish. We're just this big joke. I said to mammy the other day that we're kind of te big thickos of Europe and she went off on one about how our educational system is one of the best in the world, and irish ppl are headhunted for particular jobs etc etc. she totally didn't get what I was talking about. We probably are among the best educated nation in Europe. but that doesn't make u knowledgable. I used the word longevity in a sentence in college one day and no one had a clue what I was on about. i dunno. It might be the same everywhere. i just don't like that everything is being dumbed down continually. it upsets me that when I want to talk about things that interest me people think I'm being condescending. how did I get onto this subject? I am officially the queen of rambling.
But I think the library calls me. I should probably go and find me some boring boring chemistry books.
Huzzah!
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Mardi Bum-Arctic Monkeys
|
August 18th, 2006
05:38 pm - is toxicate even a word?
theres no point. i've never felt this worthless. before there was some sick self-satisfaction in being 'depressed'. now theres not even that. just tired. tired of trying
Current Mood: listless
Current Music: brittany spears-toxic
|
July 23rd, 2006
11:56 pm - Wait, what?
There's just a great big vat of nothingness where my brain used to be. Just me wishing I was thin. And interesting. Ugh I hate being like this. I'm so sorry. I hope no one's reading this. It's so damn pathetic.
I'll just be quiet.
Current Mood: listless
Current Music: Naive-The Kooks
|
June 28th, 2006
10:24 pm - Sucky
Ìs how I feel. I feel positively sucky. The results are out tomorrow. Oh God I wish I could climb into the computer and live with all of the illusions and fantasies. I'm so tired. But it doesn't really matter. I'm not used to working and I forgot about all the people out there that are better than me in so very many different ways. Sobering. Depresssing even. But a high opinion of oneself is never desirable.
In the meantime do a youtube search for Love Machine by Girls Aloud. it makes me smile.
Current Location: Clawing at the computer screen
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Lighthouse- The Hush Sound
|
June 1st, 2006
10:00 am - Stuff
Californiaaaaaaaaa, HERE WE COOOMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE
(I don't get out much)
Current Location: travelling (well in a few minutes)
Current Mood: bouncy
|
May 30th, 2006
03:01 pm - Right
So, san francisco on thursday (man it took me like 3 attempts to spell that right. How nasty is that?!) I'm really looking forward to it. Now that I've gotten it into my head that I'm done being an undergrad (provided I pass of course) everything feels so weird. I'm like a free spirit. I went to Stephen's Green yesterday, bought a notebook and a pen sat down and wrote for nearly two hours. I haven't written anythign that wasn't Science related for so long. I might see about getting some new stuff posted, but it's not that big a deal anyway, it's not like anybody reads it.
Anyway, writing something half decent was y'know, nice. So I'm hoping this trip will continue in the same sort of vein. The fact that Conor's coming with me helps (we're so disgustingly in love, oh my god it's revolting) we sort of think the same at this stage. SO there shouldn't be any really upsetting fights. Just small one's about the amount of money I'll want to spend. Because it's been a loooong time since I've been shopping. (I can be sop girly, it's just gross)
Went to go to the gym and realised I'd forgotten my card thing, so came up to the computer room place instead. Which is good because we have no internet at home because it's all broken and stuff.
So yeah College is all over and stuff. I suck at presenting things (so very very much) but Han didn't seem to mind, he was happy enough with the drivell I regurgitated for the lovely lecturer people. Twas very very bad.
Oh and there's more. I'm an emo kid now. Well, not a proper one. It's not like I like Panic at the Disco or anything. But I bought that Fall Out Boy Album. And really really like it. I knew my days as a band guy whore would come back and bite me on the ass. Is it bad that I find the singer guy attractive? Conor says it is but he tends to find problems with most people I think are hot. Wonder why that is, hahaha. But yeah, Fall Out Boy are my new obsession. Which is weird becauseI was sure it wa gonna be The Raconteurs, whose album I alsoi bought and really liked but I dunno, they don't have the accessibility (wow that's spelt wrong) of my new soul mates. I find soul mates way too easily. I'm not even sure if I'm joking or not. This is bad very very bad. I can't seem to write liket his or talk to anyone in a coherent fashion, it's crazy. My brain is completely fried, how the fuck am I gonna write a thesis for this doctorite thing, if a poxy undergrad project write up is this difficult?!
Current Location: College, Can't stay away from the place
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Of all the Gin Joints in all the World"-Fall Out Boy
|
May 6th, 2006
12:20 pm - Lalalalalalala
Procrastinating is one of life's simple pleasures. Howver I will have to start doing some work soon. This thesis thingy isn't exactly going to write itself. Ah well...
I was thinking about it today, and I don't think I have that stupid para suicidal depression thing anymore. Which really lifts a huge weight because I felt so guilty for being this sort of imposter. There are people out there who are really suffering. And I don't mean the people who are in the middle of war and famine and all that. For once I think the focus should come off them. I used ot feel guilty because there are people out there suffering from real life depression. the real thing. And there's next to nothing that they can do about it. And next to that I was, to put it bluntly, pretending. Putting it on to get attention. my main thing was wallowing in self pity. It was not depression. And now I appear to have grown a pair and can stand up and say, "Well, it's over and I'm going to be a fuckign grown up for once in my life"
It feels nice. i just wish I could have seen what other people have to go through sooner. It might have fixed me earlier...
Current Location: At home, not working
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: The Kooks-Sofa Song
|
April 13th, 2006
04:27 pm - Meh
i am tired. very very tired.
My project has just decided to not work, and there's just not enough time to gt everything finished. Yuck. I don't really know what I'm gonna do. I feel as if I've been working really hard, but I don't exactly have anything to show for it...I dunno
|
March 30th, 2006
06:08 pm - Hey howdy hey
Okay, so I can cross one thing off my list of things to do. Han came in to me today and very mysteriously said, "It's yours if you want it." In true Laura fashion I stared at him blankly and said that I didn't really think I needed any bpt around the house. he then replied that no no, he wasn't talking about my reaction but the PhD place he had told me about a few weeks ago. I'm going to do a PhD. Holy fuck. Holy fuck!
So I'm pretty happy. I still have fuckloads to do, but because Han got some grant or something, I don't have to apply for funding, and I'm gonna get paid as much as i would if I was getting an IRCSET grant.
So I think I'm gonna take the rest of the night off and do what I want to do for a change. Huzzah!
Current Mood: geeky
|
March 29th, 2006
11:46 am - I should be doing other stuff
Namely my molecular modelling project, but I really just could not be arsed.
I'm actually quite sad now, just read a friend of mine's latest entry and her pet died on Monday. Which is really really weird considering I had this bizarrely lucid dream on Monday night about a teeny tiny dachshund (now that wasn't her pet but I think it's some sort of connection) that I had to take really good care of until I got him somewhere safely. Yeah, that couldn't be much vaguer if I tried. But it's sad, Pigg seemed like a really really cool lil guy. (Well, Pigg was a she to the best of my knowledge but I don't do well with words, not at the minute anyway.)
Han isn't in today, so I'm gonna take some time out of the lab to get some paperwork done. I wanna try to write out this essay thing for the PhD application. He might not even want to put me forward, but I guess I could give it a go, just in case.
I can't see this thing ending any time soon. But I have to get it all finished or else, surprise, surprise, I don't pass.
Ugh, fourth year sucks monkeyballs
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Dirty Frank-Pearl Jam
|
March 24th, 2006
04:00 pm - I didn't mean it
I'm really sorry about that last post. Biased and self-serving indeed. The thing has kinda passed, even though I am still rather on the outside of this whole group dynamic thing that's goin on. But I guess I can't really change that. People will act the way they want to act and they'll think about me the way they want to do so. it's jusst tiring.
y'know what else is tiring? Fourth Year. I'm seriously considering hiding under the duvet for an extended length of time right now. yes I know I'm in the library but it's still an option goddamn it!! I've just got fuckloads to do. I'm trying to get my project thing to work. Well, I guess it sort of has, I managed to make one of the ligands I was supposed to so I'm gonna talk to Han about it on Monday and see if I can make a nice metal complex of it. My other ligand doesn't seem to be there anymore according to the spectra I got today but the spectra were much better a week ago so I don't know, maybe it decomposes if you leave it for a while. if that is indeed the case, fuck. If i can get complexes made of them in the next couple of days then maybe, just maybe I might be able to make the other two complexes in the project. Sometimes I think I'm just the shittiest chemist ever...I dunno...
Oh yeah, Han was saying to me that maybe I should consider doing a PhD. I dunno, it seems very big and important and i really don't know if I'm good enough. Anne Marie and Conor had a big PhD talk with me then a couple of weeks ago back when I was feeling really bad and I ended up getting really upset and having a big nasty panic attack and stuff. I dunno. I might apply for it and see what happens, but I don't hold out much hope...
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Just the clicking of library keyboards
|
March 13th, 2006
10:32 pm - Everything sucks
Well, either that or this is the effect listening to Alice in Chains for a week straight has. It's probably the latter. I'm just so tired.
You know that feeling where you're there but no one particularly cares if you are or not, they've got the people there that they want to see or they're talking about the people they wish were there and you just plain do not come into the equation. I'm sick of being fucking patronised by my 'friends' and 'family'. I've had a fuckload of things happen to me this year and no one, (perhaps with the exception of Conor, I'd probably be under some filthy blankets somewhere if it wasn't for him) seems to give even a semblance of a fuck. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own petty stupid problems to notice my petty stupid problems and it's pissing e right off.
I am fully aware of just how selfish this sounds, but I cannot stress enough the fact that none of us have had anything serious happen this year. I actually come closest with the death of a family member. And all I got was a couple of awkward baby voice "Oh, and...are you okay?" and that was it. I have listened to break up stories, I have averted stress related asthma attacks, I have helped people pass exams and I have listened to ream upon ream of bullshit. And then the minute, the fucking minute Laura starts to feel bad, oh no, we'd better look the other way, she's just a hard nosed bitch anyway, she'll tire herself out and then the focus can shift back onto ME.
Yes a rant. Yes a self serving, extremely biased, I-probably-won't-mean-it-in-the-morning type of thing, but at this late stage I can't fucking help it.
I'm just always left on the outside. Everytime this happens it's me that has to leave, and I'm just too tired to do it this time.
I'm really sorry to anyone that read this. I'm not this person, at least I haven't been in a long time. Hopefully this won't last long
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Dirt-Alice in Chains
|
February 26th, 2006
02:59 pm - I'm goin to America, the land where dreams come true
Hahahaha, it's true actually. Maybe not the part about the dreams coming true, but the bit about me going to the big US, that bit. Sorry, I'm probably not going to make that much sense since we only just booked the flights and I'm still surfin high atop that wave of adrenaline. I think I need a walk. A walk with some very very very loud music.
Yeah, me and Conor are goin to San Francisco. Yayyyyyyy!!!!!! I'm so excited. Unbelievably excited. And then I was lookin up flights for amsterdam the august, y'know, just in case i thought that maybe Lowlands would be worth going to again. I don't know whether or not to buy a ticket yet. i'd really like to think that I'd enjoy it no matter who plays. And since Metallica,The strokes and RHCP if even one of them end up playing it would probably be worth it. Incubus' new album is due out kinda May/June time so they could be playing festivals too this summer, especially since the manager has said that there'll be no US dates this year. It's worth some thought. Especially since it was the best experience of my life so far (gushy I know, but oddly true).
Kay, I have to get out of the house now before I explode
Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: Everybody Knows that You're Insane
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
shola's journal